Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
i think i just lost a toe
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
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