It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
