I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
