I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
