I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
