Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
