My Higher Power is John Stamos
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
