Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Randomize
