Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
Just took my morning after pill in the library
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
we should paint friendship bongs
Randomize