i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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