waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
