david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize
