I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize
