My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
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