I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
