i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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