Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
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