She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
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