Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
