I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
