i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Randomize
