well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Randomize
