What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
