I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
Randomize
