I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Its a bunch of hippies dancing in front of a stobe light. For ten dollars I could have gone to the strip club and at least had a lap dance
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
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