So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Randomize
