Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
