is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
