My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
We named our party play list daddy issues
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
she is graduated, working for the school, and puking in the bathroom of a frat house. she wants brush her hair so she doesnt "look trashy". im in love.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
