Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize