I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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