me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Randomize
