Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
