No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize