god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Randomize
