I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Go to google and type XXX
.......Is that how you look for porn?
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
Randomize
