one word: firstdatebathroomanal
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
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