how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
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