Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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