I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Randomize