If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
People in love make me want to vomit
can u get pink eye on your cock?
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Randomize
