Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
