Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
