Well douche your snatch and let's go!
Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
