Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
