The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
I just peed in my kitchenbs sinlk. New low- maybe. am i embarrassed? Not in the least
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Randomize
