Question: does he have any sense of self image? He looks slightly like he crawled out of the Euphrates after living as a fish for 20 years
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Randomize
