After last night, I could never be a politician.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
My bed smells like the plague
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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