he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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