why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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