she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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