I murdered the dance floor call the cops
I think im going to throw up on grandma
are you so shy because you have an std?
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Randomize
