Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
