Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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