Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
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