You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
my nose is crying tears of wow.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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