I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
