Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
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